"The Terror" by Nam de Plume

Can someone at the Department of Homeland Security do something about the gunshot crack-like noise which happens whenever a fold-up seat on a newer 4, 5 or 6 subway train slams into a wall after it retracts? Those babies are spring-loaded with a coil tenser than hepcats defending the White Stripes' songwriting cred.
And while they're at it, can Tom Ridge and the boys tell President Bush that maybe it is not the best idea to hold the Republican National Convention in the terrorists' favorite stomping ground. That is like having the Honey-Fest in those bear infested New Jersey woods to show you have conquered the threat of Kodiaks. It sure shows you are not afraid, but why take the chance? Just one more free tip from the folks at Brown Brothers